Those who declare sexuality as absolute are the real homophobes.

 "It is the ultimate rejection of the phallic symbol."

"It is a stand against the patriarchy and male dominance."

The above was told to me in praise of lesbianism.

But is sexuality was absolute, why the need to praise it?

If homosexuality was really just an inherent and unchangeable feeling, then there would not be these philosophical overtones to it. There would not be a sense that lesbianism was in any way defiant. 

To the extent that lesbianism is defiant of the (so-called) patriarchy, or if it is somehow an affront to men, then it really is not just a feeling.

When I was liberal, I witnessed lesbianism get mixed with politics and social activism.

I also witnessed people experimenting with homosexuality, then living straight lives, and the opposite.

A friend told me that a lesbian tried to see if she would be interested in her, she did not ask my friend, "are you straight?' Michael propositioned John, after John had asserted he was straight.

 If people can experiment, that means that sexuality is flexible.

We see an inconsistency in liberal rhetoric concerning sexuality - on the one hand, it is genetic or constitutional, absolute and etched in stone.

On the other hand, lesbianism is defiant of the patriarchy.

To declare sexuality as absolute is in fact to ignore all those people whom you know full well to have lived one lifestyle and then turned to another. 

To declare sexuality as absolute is really a form of pushing gays away into another category altogether and for the straight person to declare, "this has nothing to do with me" - homophobe after all. And this is an opening to rounding up the gays with their so-called genetic tendency which can quickly morph into being seen as genetic defect and hauling them away, they did that in the Holocaust, other-izing and finally throwing them into concentration camps.

Your liberal rhetoric may lead to terrible consequences.

The majority of people could have been gay or straight, depending on what had influenced them. That is clear from all those who come out of the closet after decades of a straight marriage, or who experiment with homosexuality and then get into a straight relationship.

We should related to homosexuality as any variance of human nature, regard it as a black box in which you have no idea why that person became gay and it is really not your business. They can marry. They can adopt. They can rent and purchase a home. They can work.

Sexuality does not affect one's civil rights. 

Trump should have been appreciated for his defense of homosexuality but liberals were so busy loathing him they could not give credit where credit is due.

But back to the false and dangerous claim that sexuality is constitutional or genetic - should a woman find herself angry at men, and liberals like you to be angry, she may latch on to this "defiance of the patriarchy/rejection of the phallic symbol" philosophy, entering lesbian relationships when in fact with a bit of guidance she could have channeled her energies into correct activism for women, and been in a healthy straight relationship that may have been closer to her nature.

 

Treatment and Prevention of Abuse in the Jewish Home

There is a Jewish saying that "God sends the cure before He sends the illness."

There are safeguards in Jewish practice that can be used to detect, prevent, and treat abuse in the Jewish home.

Here is one example:

Taharat HaMishpacha - Family Purity

The Jewish Marriage laws involve abstinence during the woman's menstrual period and for seven days following. The married couple do not touch, nor hand things to each other during this time, which lasts a minimum of 12 days every month (five days for the period, then seven clean days).

This also holds for bleeding post childbirth. Post-birth bleeding must stop, then she waits seven clean days. The couple are abstinent for this entire time, which can take from six weeks at least.

After this, she bathes and then immerses in a mikveh, which is housed in a special building as it must conform to the requirements of Jewish law.

These regular times of complete abstinence can be a challenge for the couple, but if they are committed to these laws, and in a healthy relationship, one feels a sense of accomplishment and renewal each month.

A young Jewish woman was discouraged with how long it was taking her to count the seven clean days after childbirth. One evening she called a Rabbanit in tears. The Rabbanit and her husband, the Rabbi, went to the young woman's house and counseled her and her husband. They listened and gave the couple encouragement.

This is an example of communal and marital support in a healthy situation.

And these laws can also be used to detect and treat abuse.

The following situations are clear signs of an unhealthy marital relationship that can be more quickly detected when a couple keeps the laws of family purity:

1 - The husband is not looking forward to "mikvah night". He acts aloof and disinterested.

2 - The wife is not looking forward to mikvah night.  She feels revolted by the idea of sleeping with her husband.

3 -  The husband is verbally or physically abusive regarding these laws, for example, should her immersion be delayed and this angers him.

The above may be due to marital incompatibility, homosexuality, a dysfunctional relationship, lack of commitment to these laws, an abusive nature. 

In one case the husband admitted in counseling that he is attracted to young girls and not "smelly women". They divorced and a restraining order was placed on him to stay away from girls, communal leaders were alerted.

Case number 3 above involves a sense of violence and is more urgent, especially if the couple has children. Attending the mikvah in a communal building means the woman must leave her home, if there is a sense of fear and violence in the home with children present, this causes her stress to even leave the home for the immersion, which is time consuming. 

In case number 3, what should happen is similar to what happened with the couple who was discouraged, a Rabbi and Rabbanit came to their home and counseled them. If there is a certain amount of tension, escalating to abuse, surrounding the laws of family purity, then an deeper evaluation needs to occur.

The following questions may be posed:

Do you look forward to mikvah night?

What do you object to regarding your spouse?

Do these objections reflect something superficial and treatable or are the objections so deep that the marriage may need to be dissolved?

Mikvah night cannot occur together with a sense of fear and violence. Mikvah night will be postponed until there is some resolution - either in the direction of improving the marriage, or in recognizing that this marriage cannot be saved.

In Jewish law, should a couple decide to divorce, they are forbidden to touch each other. "Break-up sex" is forbidden.

This teaching too can add clarity to the direction a couple should go in. If the woman is relieved to not be touched again by him, if the man only wants sex to release frustration but not to be intimate with a woman he loves, then clarity has been achieved.

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There are some weaknesses/values in the Jewish community that need to be identified in order to prevent them from becoming fertile ground for abuse in the Jewish home.

One - a value on "Yiches" - family connections and ancestry. 

Converts or those who do not descend from important Rabbis or "askanim" (communally active people) may feel second class to those who have "Yiches". Yiches can be a cover for a bad character. One may be duped into marrying someone with yiches, who may really not make a healthy spouse.

Two - a value on having a strong family.

Those who are struggling in their marriages or child raising may be embarrassed to seek help. Problems may worsen before help is sought. 

Recognizing weaknesses in any community can raise awareness and prevent situations from becoming abusive.

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The Sabbath

Observant Jews do not use electricity on the Sabbath, which is from Friday night sundown to Saturday night after nightfall.

In the abusive home, there may need to be an allowance to make phone calls to Jewish help lines in another time zone for whom the Sabbath has not yet begun. 

Say a woman is feeling threatened by her husband on Friday night. It is the Sabbath for her in Jerusalem, but the Sabbath has not yet begun in New York, which is in a time zone seven hours behind.

In cases of abuse, her mental anguish and fear should allow her to make a phone call for help and advice. She should be considered to be in a state of "pikuach nefesh" - danger - and be allowed to make calls.

One phone call may indeed prevent the escalation of an abusive situation that could lead to even more Sabbath desecration.

I hope our communal leaders will consider this - the permissibility of making phone calls on the Sabbath to get help and advice in the abusive home.  

If your relationships are healthy, then the Jewish sabbath is a delight as people spend quality time together with no distractions from social media, TV, phone calls, travel by car or bus, etc. 

But if there is friction in the home, the Sabbath can feel very constraining, with no outlet.

We do not carry in the public domain on the Sabbath, unless there is a special "eruv" that designates that carrying is permissible in that outside space.

Some feel that this "eruv" is an unnecessary leniency, and some communal leaders thwart the building of an "eruv."

This means that in neighborhoods with no "eruv", babies cannot carried or put in a stroller. This means that in the tense or abusive home, women of nursing babies and toddlers who cannot yet walk long distances can be really trapped.

Communities need to strive to provide public "eruv" in consideration of those who may really suffer in isolation on the Sabbath. If there is no public eruv, then arrangements need to be made for those in tense situations to be hosted in an accepting environment until there is resolution in the family.