There is a Jewish saying that "God sends the cure before He sends the illness."
There are safeguards in Jewish practice that can be used to detect, prevent, and treat abuse in the Jewish home.
Here is one example:
Taharat HaMishpacha - Family Purity
The Jewish Marriage laws involve abstinence during the woman's menstrual period and for seven days following. The married couple do not touch, nor hand things to each other during this time, which lasts a minimum of 12 days every month (five days for the period, then seven clean days).
This also holds for bleeding post childbirth. Post-birth bleeding must stop, then she waits seven clean days. The couple are abstinent for this entire time, which can take from six weeks at least.
After this, she bathes and then immerses in a mikveh, which is housed in a special building as it must conform to the requirements of Jewish law.
These regular times of complete abstinence can be a challenge for the couple, but if they are committed to these laws, and in a healthy relationship, one feels a sense of accomplishment and renewal each month.
A young Jewish woman was discouraged with how long it was taking her to count the seven clean days after childbirth. One evening she called a Rabbanit in tears. The Rabbanit and her husband, the Rabbi, went to the young woman's house and counseled her and her husband. They listened and gave the couple encouragement.
This is an example of communal and marital support in a healthy situation.
And these laws can also be used to detect and treat abuse.
The following situations are clear signs of an unhealthy marital relationship that can be more quickly detected when a couple keeps the laws of family purity:
1 - The husband is not looking forward to "mikvah night". He acts aloof and disinterested.
2 - The wife is not looking forward to mikvah night. She feels revolted by the idea of sleeping with her husband.
3 - The husband is verbally or physically abusive regarding these laws, for example, should her immersion be delayed and this angers him.
The above may be due to marital incompatibility, homosexuality, a dysfunctional relationship, lack of commitment to these laws, an abusive nature.
In one case the husband admitted in counseling that he is attracted to young girls and not "smelly women". They divorced and a restraining order was placed on him to stay away from girls, communal leaders were alerted.
Case number 3 above involves a sense of violence and is more urgent, especially if the couple has children. Attending the mikvah in a communal building means the woman must leave her home, if there is a sense of fear and violence in the home with children present, this causes her stress to even leave the home for the immersion, which is time consuming.
In case number 3, what should happen is similar to what happened with the couple who was discouraged, a Rabbi and Rabbanit came to their home and counseled them. If there is a certain amount of tension, escalating to abuse, surrounding the laws of family purity, then an deeper evaluation needs to occur.
The following questions may be posed:
Do you look forward to mikvah night?
What do you object to regarding your spouse?
Do these objections reflect something superficial and treatable or are the objections so deep that the marriage may need to be dissolved?
Mikvah night cannot occur together with a sense of fear and violence. Mikvah night will be postponed until there is some resolution - either in the direction of improving the marriage, or in recognizing that this marriage cannot be saved.
In Jewish law, should a couple decide to divorce, they are forbidden to touch each other. "Break-up sex" is forbidden.
This teaching too can add clarity to the direction a couple should go in. If the woman is relieved to not be touched again by him, if the man only wants sex to release frustration but not to be intimate with a woman he loves, then clarity has been achieved.
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There are some weaknesses/values in the Jewish community that need to be identified in order to prevent them from becoming fertile ground for abuse in the Jewish home.
One - a value on "Yiches" - family connections and ancestry.
Converts or those who do not descend from important Rabbis or "askanim" (communally active people) may feel second class to those who have "Yiches". Yiches can be a cover for a bad character. One may be duped into marrying someone with yiches, who may really not make a healthy spouse.
Two - a value on having a strong family.
Those who are struggling in their marriages or child raising may be embarrassed to seek help. Problems may worsen before help is sought.
Recognizing weaknesses in any community can raise awareness and prevent situations from becoming abusive.
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The Sabbath
Observant Jews do not use electricity on the Sabbath, which is from Friday night sundown to Saturday night after nightfall.
In the abusive home, there may need to be an allowance to make phone calls to Jewish help lines in another time zone for whom the Sabbath has not yet begun.
Say a woman is feeling threatened by her husband on Friday night. It is the Sabbath for her in Jerusalem, but the Sabbath has not yet begun in New York, which is in a time zone seven hours behind.
In cases of abuse, her mental anguish and fear should allow her to make a phone call for help and advice. She should be considered to be in a state of "pikuach nefesh" - danger - and be allowed to make calls.
One phone call may indeed prevent the escalation of an abusive situation that could lead to even more Sabbath desecration.
I hope our communal leaders will consider this - the permissibility of making phone calls on the Sabbath to get help and advice in the abusive home.
If your relationships are healthy, then the Jewish sabbath is a delight as people spend quality time together with no distractions from social media, TV, phone calls, travel by car or bus, etc.
But if there is friction in the home, the Sabbath can feel very constraining, with no outlet.
We do not carry in the public domain on the Sabbath, unless there is a special "eruv" that designates that carrying is permissible in that outside space.
Some feel that this "eruv" is an unnecessary leniency, and some communal leaders thwart the building of an "eruv."
This means that in neighborhoods with no "eruv", babies cannot carried or put in a stroller. This means that in the tense or abusive home, women of nursing babies and toddlers who cannot yet walk long distances can be really trapped.
Communities need to strive to provide public "eruv" in consideration of those who may really suffer in isolation on the Sabbath. If there is no public eruv, then arrangements need to be made for those in tense situations to be hosted in an accepting environment until there is resolution in the family.
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