Saturday, December 3, 2022

The Slow Demise of the old New England Family

 You may wonder what an extended family gathering is like.

I did not know, only found out in my adult years, as I spent more of my childhood with my New England Anglo family than my Jewish family.  The New England family declined, and I want to tell you about it.

In my own story, my Anglo relatives in New England were not an extended supporting network. They were also not religious Christians, they very rarely mentioned religion: being a Protestant was a back drop, but not a topic of conversation. This was a good thing a century ago, when moral values permeated society anyway, as it was a code of tolerance for other Protestant sects, but it turned into - no passing down religious values, and this meant a vaccum that was filled with post world war two secularism as preached in public schools.

Of course my extended  Anglo family was small, but even a small extended family could have gotten together for happy times, and we did not - gatherings such as Thanksgiving day were tense and intrapersonally competitive, even before our exposure to liberal-left culture, beginning in the 1960's. The noble New England family imploded because of its lack of family unity, which was based on an assumption that family members compete with each other, and do not complete each other. 

The New England family had the concept of reciprocation, if someone invites you, you need to invite in return. This is actually not fair for less financially well off relatives and aquaintances.

There are Anglo second cousins I never met, a great uncle I only met at one of the rare weddings in the family.

Anglo alienation was partly due to its former wealth. A few centuries ago, the question was - who was going to inherit, say the parcel of land in an English estate? As they came to the New World, and rebuilt their wealth, the question became, who was going to inherit the family silver? The fine china? The choice antiques? Old English families are intrapersonally competitive. They brought that assumption down to the present day. It is a mark of honor, that you can make it on your own, that you must not be beholden to anyone - you can see this theme in the Little House on the Prairie series - never be beholden, cut your coat to fit the cloth, someone else's troubles are not my lookout. There was no charity for other people, there was say for the church or external worthy causes, but not for individuals.

We had no pride in being of English and Irish ancestry, or in being Protestant, or in being American. I am a Daughter of the American Revolution yet never heard about that organization, nor was any effort made to join. We did nothing special on Memorial day. That lack of pride wears away at your family unity, your sense of self, and confidence that one should have as a birthright. You cannot blame the Left, this began in the 1950's.

So the liberal left individualism had something to graft itself onto:

1 - do not be beholden, this is related to: charity is given to institutions but not to individuals

2 - intrapersonal competition,

3 - reciprocity - meaning you had to exactly match what you were invited to, which is sometimes not possible.

 It was just individualism in a different form - first, formal Protestant New England, then, liberal individualism.

Intrapersonal competition existed in the secular-Protestant New England family and served as fuel to work incredibly hard, and that has its good points, it makes you forced to work hard and achieve and this is what may have build the USA in its initial stages, but it was also, tragically, a fertile ground for  alienation, and then the intrusion of the Left.

If you grew up in an individualist relativist culture, most of your time was probably spent cultivating your academic abilities and not so much time on family.

So what is it like in a family-oriented society? Well, gatherings are not marked by intra-personal competition, but by the basic assumption that family members need to get along with each other in order for the extended family to be strong.

The traditional Jewish world actually contains much variety. Some hold that their rabbi is a bridge, one group holds that their rabbi is the messiah and will soon be revealed, some that he is just very learned and anyone can achieve a high level of learning. Some hold that the state of Israel is premature and should not be recognized, some hold that the state is the harbinger of messianic times.

An extended family gathering in the orthodox Jewish world means that people with very diverse philosophies come together. But what do they do at family gatherings or at weddings/bar mitzvas and the like? 

Here is a snapshot, and ideas to help Americans, at least, what is left of them:

1 -  no mentioning your religious philosophy or politics, that is, those who revere a certain rabbi do not mention it to those who do not hold by him.  

2 - Serve tons of food. Anglos tend to count portions and chairs - DON'T. Instead, just throw a bunch of chairs around a few tables and serve platters of food. 

You should bring food storage boxes to take some home: that is expected (remember the scene in Fiddler on the Roof in which Yenta visits Tevya's home to propose a marriage match, is offered cookies, and takes some home with her? Yup, that is to be expected.) You take turns socializing and sometimes sit on the side for a while until it is your turn: first, the close family members interact, then, people move around from table to table to interact with those who are more distantly related and those who are friends and acquaintances. Do not sit yourself down at the beginning with the sisters and sisters in law - wait about an hour, then you can move to that table after one of them vacates their space to speak to a second cousin.

Just showing up to a wedding or bar mitzva is in itself a good deed. You do not need to sparkle. You may be on the side line at first but as the evening progresses someone will converse with you. 

3 - There is no concept of reciprocation. You are invited to celebrations or Sabbath or holidays at someone's home with no concept that you have to invite in return someday.

I grew up liberal-left, Brookline Mass, in the 70's and 80's. In a relativist world, everyone is poised to impose, as people are recreating reality all the time, creating new truths, and now, the new "truth" is that gender is fluid. This is actually a horror. The modern secular world cannot even define what a woman is. I am witness that feminism in the 70's and 80's meant pride for women, a generation later, you cannot even define that word.

In the liberal relativist world, interactions are a stage, a platform for imposing and spreading the new reality, whatever that is.

4 - Privacy  - In the orthodox Jewish world, there are teachings against gossip, and gossip is broadly defined, plus there is a huge value on privacy. You do not point out say who is divorced, who is adopted, who converted to Judaism. It is also forbidden to remind people of their former failings. This stems from a story in the Talmud in which Resh Lakish, a repentant former bandit, is learning with rabbi Yohanan. They are debating whether a certain item is a sword or a knife. Rabbi Yohanan acquiesced, saying, "a bandit knows the tools of banditry". This embarrassed Resh Lakish, he left the path of Torah, and reverted to his old ways.

With that context, that is, the teachings against divulging personal information and gossip, orthodox Jewish family gatherings are not platforms for imposing, like we were groomed for in the secular relativist liberal world.

When you assume that Truth is not something you invent, but that Truth flows through you, your whole attitude to interpersonal interactions is completely altered. You do not impose.

You relax and eat. It really works.

I am happy in my orthodox Jewish world, but sad for the implosion of the noble New England family, its negative effects on the individual and on America itself. 

When I attend Jewish gatherings, I think of my WASP cousins, who are fading from the map of history, and am reminded of what could have been.

 

 Happy Jewish extended family celebrating Hanukkah and toasting during dinner at dining table.

 


 




 



No comments:

Post a Comment