Careful of that undertow - the undertow of human emotions that social revolutions can never touch.
The liberal-left that waged the sexual revolution declared that any discomfort you feel regarding sexual activity outside marriage is a result of "sexual repression".
And it was a given that “sexual repression” is a terrible thing that needs to be uprooted.
I was raised around liberals - the more popular you were, the better.
As you grew, popularity meant dating. Parents were supposed to be proud of their teens’ dating. But they expressed strange discomfort with it as it grew to be more intimate; we were trained to brush off any hints of "sexual repression", we laughed off our parents reservations about sexual activity.
Then:
Lisa told me, “my great-grandparents in Russia were Jewish communists, part of the “Bund”. My grandparents immigrated to New York and joined the communist movement here.”
We were comparing our Jewish backgrounds. My forebears were Chassidic Jews, and Lisa’s forbears were communists. Think of Fiddler on the Roof - I hail from Tevya, Lisa, from Perchik, and there were both were, liberal, in the most enlightened town on earth, Brookline Massachusetts. Lisa had no orthodox Jewish background whatsoever. I did, though it felt remote to me.
Lisa attended an Ivy League college and found a boyfriend, whom I found to be a bit aloof. I saw that her body language was warm towards him, yet he was a bit dismissive of her, except for when he hugged her suggestively.
Lisa's story shook me up and started pointing me towards a culture of chastity. It began: “my mom got me a diaphragm before college in case I would need it. After she met Andy, she asked, “well?” and I said, “yes” and she gave me a hug (of congratulations and support).
So far, so good.
But, listen, later, Lisa told me: “Andy visited my home, slept over and the next morning went out to buy a newspaper. My mom walked into my bedroom, saw the two mattresses on the floor, and, like, duh, had a hissy fit!”
Lisa then mocked her mother’s reaction to realizing that her daughter had slept with someone.
Her mom, when really faced with it, was hurt.
Her mom's reaction baffled me.
They were liberal, even for generations past. Lisa's mom had even brought her to get her birth control, and gave her a hug after her first encounter. Her mom is a wonderful woman, very generous of spirit, her home was open, she took solicitous interest in Lisa’s friends, including myself. She was always respectful of me, even after I became traditionally observant.
What hurt me is that these are good people. You would love them.
This story meant to me that there are parts of the human psyche that no social revolution can touch. These trigger points are portals to deep places within us that no amount of propaganda or social conditioning can reach.
This led me to think - could the traditionalists be right about sex? Does it only belong in, gulp, marriage/a committed relationship? We had not been allowed to even consider this.
Better to take notice of your soul, or at least your psyche. Careful of that undertow.
I saw something else - there are some ideas that if you embrace them, you actually undergo a deep internal crisis.
Can't you just wake up one day and change your mind about this or that and go about your business? I found that the answer was - no.
Some concepts require an internal crisis, a painful tearing away from “truths” you thought to be self evident, and this tearing away includes a schism from people and systems you assumed were bedrock, basic.
When you feel that you were lied to by intelligent well-meaning people, it is a painful wake up call indeed, fomenting crisis.
I wondered, why weren't we told of the side effects of sexual relationships outside marriage? We really did not have any choice, we had been trained to wage a social war against sexual repression, we were not allowed to consider chastity, or sensitively ask Lisa's mom, "what is bothering you?"
That social war came at a terrible toll.
No one imagined it would lead to a culture of non-marriage, no one considered the painful break ups that took a toll on people. We are not immortal, you do not have decades to decide when to marry and have kids, the liberals who thought they were being tolerant really robbed themselves of future generations, and they did not see it coming.
Lisa finally broke up with Andy. She described it as a slow, painful process. She told me, "during the break up, I would find myself kneeling on the floor hugging myself and rocking back and forth, weeping uncontrollably."
If you knew Lisa and her parents, her talents, strength of character, and her warmth, you would be shocked, as I was.
Chastity til marriage does not guarantee marital bliss, and it is not so easy in a society which expects you to achieve a four year college education, graduate school, work experience, etc.But please consider that the damage that sex outside marriage just may do, and this damage is not due to social conditioning, but by the natural limits of your very psyche, which, it turns out, no social revolution can touch.
In some religious communities that believe in chastity, the young people marry early, like starting at 18. Haredi women's colleges accommodate the married, pregnant, and post natal student with flexible course schedules and extensions for thesis papers. If society would bend to the needs of the family, people could marry younger, and still finish their education and get work experience, while building their families.
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